Depression setting in

Okay, I'm not generally one to give up. I never give up on things or people, specially when it comes to my body, meaning piercings, dying/cutting my hair, that kinda thing. I've gotten my ears gauged so many times they were 2s, my goal is a 0 because I really like an earring called an 'eyelid', but I dont think it looks good unless it is that big. so I finally bought some, and I bought some others that I can actually gauge my ears with since it's like, impossible to gauge them with the eyelid. So I started gauging them, and it was strangely harder than ever before. I continued trying thoough, of course, since when I did my lip ring, trying to get the lip ring in after getting the needle out, it took two hours to get it in. So I decided to continue trying and trying. I was getting good encouragemtent from my best friend Abbi over AIM, but she had to go, so I was talking to Tabby[neighbor], Charles[awesomestguyever], Jess[awesomestguyever'sgirlfriend], and my sister steph over AIM, using video. They helped a lot, but steph was being a bitch and kept telling me to stop, I was getting really pissed off. I finally stopped the video and they logged off of AIM so I dunno what they're doing now. But I tried so hard to get over the pain and just shove it through, but I knew I shouldnt push it too fast because I didn't want to risk having a blow out [which is wear you tear your lobes instead of stretching them], I even used Vaseline lotion, it helped somewhat, and I even used ICE! Ice didnt work very well though, so whatever. I finally pushed as hard as I could and got it over the little corner that I couldnt get it over! [pics coming to explain more] It hurt SO MUCH. I was writhing back and forth in pain holding my ear..
I was too distracted with the pain to put on the backing, and it slipped back off..

I tried a few more times, but it was hurting too much now, I couldn't do it. Even after I told myslf not to give up, I never giv eup, but I did.. I finally slowly pulled it out and gave everyone what they wanted. No encouragement really has an affect when you're doing something like this all alone, maybe if I was still talking to Abbi or Tabby and Jess, then maybe I would have gotten it. But I didn't, I gave up. It was the first time I ever gave up on something like this and I'm really dissapointed and disgusted with myself right now, I'm so pissed off I just want to stab something. I put the earring in that I had before, which I think was a 4 or a 2. And I'm letting my ears rest. I think it was because I skipped one when I htought it was a 2 and it was actually a 4, so I think I'll just buy a 2 and see if I can gauge it that way first, because I really don't think I can do this..

Picture time!
Some of these pictures are graphic, so, be warned.


My full ear afterwards, it's so red.


I hate myself for this.


[this is the graphic picture]


This is how much blood was on the outside and back of my ear..




those blue ones there are the ones I used to pierce it with, the eyelids are the ones to the right. [if you can see them, which I doubt b'cause blogger is being retarted and decided to cut my pics in half. =/


I'm very dissapointed in myself. =/ I think I'ma go crawl under a rock now.

Eyes; the window into your soul

Okay, well, I've already told you I am in LOVE with eyes, and I'm obsessed and all that, and I also mentioned that I've fooled around with them on photoshop a lot, so I decided to post this to show you all what exactly I have created! =3 Most of these eyes are mine, but a few are Abbi's or other friends.

Alright;

Snowflakes
(Abbi's eye)


Ocean's Aqua
(Abbi's eye)


Twinkle Twinkle Volcano of Life
(My eye)


Rainbow Showers
(My eye)


Blazing Rayz
(My eye)


Violet shimmers
(Tabitha's eye)

What wasn't enough

Alriight, well, I've never really written a poem before- well, I have, a short one, but it was one of those private pieces, your emotions kinda thing, but tonight while I was talking to Abbi, I got an idea for a good poem, partially inspired by the song "Hello" by Evanescence, as well as a few other things in my life, and she said she really really liked it, as well as some other friends of mine. I really didn't expect it to turn out as well as it did, but apparently everyone really likes it. So I guess I do live up to the meaning of my name after all? Devon; Poet, heh. Well, since it did turn out so well, I've decided to write more, but for now I'll just post this one here, so that you can all see it. =] I hope you like it!

What wasn't enough

The chilling air is all around,
the midnight darkness overwhelms me,
I replay your voice in my mind..
Over and over,
even though you're not here.
Not your voice, not a sound,
only memories,
but there you'll always be safe.
Safe with me.
Safe in my memories.

With each step
the road seems endless.
But forever I'll walk,
Until I reach my destination.
But forever I'll walk,
Until I reach you.

Your face remains embedded in my thoughts,
your light blue eyes are constantly staring,
burning into my porcelain heart.

The sound of screeching tires
have long since broken the silence.
The luminosity of flashing headlights
have broken into my vision.
Though not enough to pull me from my thoughts,
I just kept walking.
Walking to you.

My burning heart and aching mind,
making me wander further and further,
away from the saftey of the curb.
Without even realizing the dangers,
the dangers approaching from behind.

The sound of screeching tires.
The luminosity of flashing headlights.
The ear piercing sound of an urgent horn.
The warnings had already been given,
But still stuck in my thoughts,
I just kept walking.
Walking to you.

But finally my thoughts were broken,
But then, so was my body.
Lying there, on the icy road.
My blood began to form a puddle.
The screeching had stopped,
The headlights had vanished,
The roaring sound of my attacker had ceased.

My vision blurring,
tears streaming down my cheeks.
The pain would soon be over,
that I already knew.
But will I see your face again,
will I ever be with you?
Or will I ever be able to tell you
how much I truley love you?

My heart's rapid pounding began to slow
My icy blue eyes staring blankly,
blankly at the face that I couldn't avoid.
And there you stood,
hovering over me with your head in your hands.
Standing there in silent mourning.
The last thing I heard was your quiet sobs
between the only words I heard.
the only words that could escape your lips.

"I was always here. Right behind you,
driving on until I finally found you.
But even then, I couldn't protect you.
I'm sorry, my dear.. I'll always love you."

My breathing already strained,
but now my heart had stopped.
The endless pain that I would forever feel
even though I would never again be,
the pain of knowing that I never told you
how I really felt..

But I did not blame you,
not in the slightest.
After all, who would have known
that on this cold winter night,
I would take my feelings out,
out and into the world,
the world so dangerous and deadly.
For I didn't blame you,
after all..
How could I blame the one
who shall forever hold my porcelain heart?

And with your car still running,
you turned to walk away..
but not to the car,
no, not to the car,
but into the road instead.
And there you stopped..
In front of the next passing car.

And there you fell
beside my cold dead body.
We lay together on the icy road,
with our blood forging together.
The last resort had been taken,
And now, we'll finally be together forever.

As our love was not enough..

Me? Who's me?

Hello, everyone! Me, if you're wondering, is Devon Nicole! Yes'm, I'm still young but no where near naive, I'm rather bright for my age and can spell and type better than my older sister by two years. I'm an artist, I draw constantly. I usually just use pencils and pens, but sometimes I will use Charcoal or Pastels, and even more rarely I will use Acrylic paints. I'm still trying to get better and better with my art, but I have a lot of time to do that. I have a skateboard, but I'm not too good at riding yet, I just bought it so I could draw on the bottom. I also do a lot on the computer, such as myspace, Rping sites, and sometimes I even play WoW! (World of Warcraft). Recently I have discovered that I am rather good at poetry, and I have taken a liking to writing. And speaking of writing, I loooooove writing, I write all day, Short stories and small unfinished books, I always write. In fact, I made this Blog so I can post my stories and poems here for everyone to see!! I LOVE animals, all kinds of animals, but mostly cats. Yes, I adore cats. In fact I have a cat, a dog and a bird! Hehe, so typical, ehh? Well, I rather love my cat, she's my favorite. Tequila. You'll hear more about her later though. Oh, and I also am rather addicted to eyes. I am always looking at people's eyes, and I love editing pictures of eyes on Photoshop, I'm rather strange that way.. I find Lip rings especially attractive, usually on guys, but ehh. And my FAVORITE person in the WORLD, is my best friend Abbigail Delia! Yes, she is my best friend in the world, she is always correcting me and giving me advice, and she is always there to listen and not judge. I use her the most at this time in my life. Because right now there is a lot of drama going on in my life, so I guess this will be my place to get away, my second home, rather?

So, I guess I'll get writin'! =]

(Oh, and I use smilies a lot, I'll try not to here. =P)